Holy shit! I just bit my tongue very, very hard and am anxiously UNawaiting for the coppery disgusting taste of blood to fill my mouth. Disgusting.

I'm putting an interesting spin on my blog today. It's entitled "FAQs." So, let's get to it, shall we?

FAQs

Q. Why do you swear so much? I mean, isn't that unladylike?

A. Well, yes. It is. However, I find that using swear words can make a sentence very colorful and filled with emotion. I won't deny that I'm probably enjoying it, too. And besides...if you're a prude that is turned off by a simple swear word, we probably don't have a lot in common anyway.

Q. Are you a slut?

A. A lady never tells.

Q. Are you mean and bitter?

A. Why yes, yes I am. Well, not so much mean. But I am disinfranchised with life sometimes, as I think we all are. Mean? Depends on who you ask. To the people who cry if you look at them wrong, yes, I'm probably very mean. When people call me mean, it's unintentional on my part, and I always apologize. I'm just forward.

Q. Do you have a mission?

A. Basically my mission is to be a fantastic mother, and to help out those less fortunate than me. I am involved in a zillion volunteer and charity efforts, and I wish I had time to actually put some sweat into projects like Habitat For Humanity, but I don't. My heart and my money is all I have to offer right now, I'm a very busy woman.

Q. Do you believe in love at first sight?

A. I believe in love at first conversation, absolutely. Is that logical? No. Does it feel good? Fuck yes!

Q. Has anyone ever told you that you look like Sharon Stone?

A. Yes.

Q. Do you believe in God?

A. Yes. And I'm not debating it.

Q. Do homeless people irritate you?

A. No. Unless they harass and talk in an intimidating and vulgar manner. Otherwise I'll help anyone out that I can.

Q. Are you anti-choice (pro-life)?

A. No. I am 100% pro-choice, and it's ok if you're not. Men who are anti-choice, I've got some great advice that I learned from my good friend Erika. Don't like abortions? Don't have sex with a woman who will have one.

Q. What's the most painful thing that's ever happened to you?

A. Physically? Getting a wire fed UP a vein in my arm. And I'm talking, the entire length of my arm. It took about fifteen minutes and I was openly crying from the pain. I would rather have my nose sliced off sans anesthesia than go through that shit again. Emotionally? Losing a loved one, whether it be from someone passing, or a man leaving my life.

Q. What's important to you in a friendship?

A. Selflessness, empathy, REALNESS, wisdom (a huge one), and a good asskicker (i.e. Jessica, you're being a bitch, STOP IT!).